Daniel Seabaugh

There are times in life when we have the sacred opportunity to comfort a grieving person. Life in a fallen world guarantees that trouble of some variety is coming for us all. We’ll experience hard things and have opportunities to comfort others experiencing hard things. We can count on it.

I’ve had the privilege of sitting with people during some of their low moments. Whether facing addiction, divorce, or the loss of a loved one, people have held out their hearts to me in a time of need. I can’t properly express how honored I feel that people trust me enough to sit with them in such moments. These are deeply human and extremely sacred spaces.

Though every person’s grief is unique, I’ve learned five practices I believe are essential when comforting the grieving.

Be Present

First, we must practice the ministry of presence. Being present means eliminating all distractions so we can devote our full attention to the person in need. One way to do this is by silencing phone notifications before the meeting. Nothing sends a poorer message than checking our cell phone while the person next to us is in tears. It’s insensitive. Silence the phone, put it away, and be present in the moment.

Use Appropriate Touch

Next, a gentle touch can speak volumes to a person experiencing grief. Many times, older people have gone years without a comforting touch. Consider placing a hand on their shoulder or knee. Maybe hold hands or give them a hug.

Of course, don’t be weird. In our hyper-sexualized world and in an age when abuse is sadly common, especially toward older people, we must be careful not to cross any lines or send a wrong message. If the grieving person is of the opposite sex, in most cases, I avoid touch of any kind. The only exception is if I’m with another person and ask permission. I’m a big fan of asking permission. Sometimes, if I know a person well and have built trust over time, I may not ask permission. But if I’m with someone I barely know or just met, I follow these guidelines strictly.

Touch can speak volumes. It can heal brokenhearted people. Use it appropriately, but certainly use it.

Listen Well

Third, listen well. It’s been said that being heard feels so much like being loved that the average adult can’t tell the difference. Unfortunately, most of us don’t listen well. When someone is talking, we’re often thinking about our response, not truly processing the words or entering into the other person’s concerns, hopes, fears, or emotional turmoil.

Listening well involves at least two elements. First, repeat back to the speaker a summary of what was said. If a woman says she’s sad because her emotional support dog died, we shouldn’t say, “So you’re feeling upset because something important to you is missing?” That’s not bad, per se, but it’s not what was said. Maybe try, “I’m so sorry that your emotional support dog died.” Keep it to the point. Repeating back what was said lets the hearer know we’re paying attention.

Next, ask good follow-up questions. Typically speaking, people want to talk. Asking good follow-up questions gives them the opportunity to talk. The responses we receive will give insight into how we can pray, which is our next practice.

Pray Continually

Fourth, pray continually. Prayer is the most important practice of all. Without prayer, we offer nothing of real value. Presence and listening are wonderful ways to serve a person in need, but prayer unleashes the resources of Heaven on the earth and upon these sacred moments. Our prayers may simply be internal cries to God, not necessarily audible. Of course, praying out loud with a grieving person is a great blessing. Any and all prayers are powerful; therefore, pursue prayer through various means, both spoken and internal.

Avoid Giving Advice

Lastly, avoid giving advice. Of all the practices, this can be the hardest for a lot of people. Everyone has a story. We’ve all experienced highs and lows in life. It’s normal to want to share our experiences with others. But the truth is that giving advice to someone grieving rarely accomplishes what we hope. It’s better to be present, listen, and pray than give advice. Again, all suffering is unique. No one has identical stories, emotional or mental makeup, personalities, or family situations. We can’t understand someone else’s grief, at least, not fully.

If someone asks for advice, then not sharing is a problem as well. Share if asked, but otherwise, avoid giving advice. It won’t feel encouraging to the other person, even if it feels so to us.

There may be other practices worth considering, but in this moment of life and ministry, I find these five practices to be essential.

Please share your thoughts below. I’d love to hear from anyone involved in caring for people.

What have you learned? What advice would you share with others wanting to grow in care ministry?